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10 E-Z Steps to Becoming an Ungrateful Wretch

Thanksgiving is upon us, but don’t let that stop you from being an ungrateful wretch. Here are ten easy steps to tapping your inner ingrate:

1. Do not publicly appreciate your loved ones. If you have a spontaneous desire to say “I love you” or write a tender note, squash these sentiments immediately by reminding yourself that they know you care–you don’t have to get all mooshy-gooshy with them.

2. Treat someone’s ear as the complaint department of a large store.

3. Every day, remind yourself of what you don’t have and be jealous of those who have what you want.

4. Treat the giggles of small children as intrusions into your quiet, ordered world.

5. Do not “say grace” before a meal. You bought the food and cooked it. Thank yourself.

6. Throw stuff at computers and TVs that don’t work. Cuss heartily while you do it.

7. Hey, why are you smiling? Put that frown back on!

8. Keep in mind that there is no blessing so large that you can’t find some fault in it.

9. Do not give your time or resources to another. Remember, you can’t spare anything and aren’t happy about it.

10. Above all, do not thank God for anything. After all, what did God ever do for you except create life, beauty and love?

(Woman with Sour Expression pic courtesy of imru2b12 thru stock.xchng)

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